Failure

May 5, 2011 when we lost our first dog, Cotton. He got hit by a car.

The night he got hit, we thought he'd be alright. None of us have seen how it happened, we just assumed it had not done any fatal damage. The next day he was vomiting and showing signs of weakness. All of us we're busy, too busy to take care of him. That night, I was the first one to arrive home, I noticed he was behaving differently. Cotton was a very bubbly and playful dog but that time I knew everything's not good.  He kept vomiting until there was nothing left to vomit but saliva. I was crying and crying and kept comforting him. I said to him, "Hold on... I'm taking you to the vet tomorrow." I had to wait for the next day to take him to the vet since there's no pet clinic open beyond 7:00 at night in our place. I was desperate but all I could do was cry and stroke his fur. He was helpless, and so was I. Moments later he was acting strange... he was hiding under the bushes in the garden. I started to panic because I've learned that dogs do this (hiding) when they're nearing their end. I couldn't stand the fact that he's leaving us.

Cotton was our fist dog. He was sometimes naughty and we can't seem to control him but we love him so much. We failed to train him to be a dog. He probably thought he was like us because he grew up with humans. We spoiled him; we kinda treated him like a little kid in the house. I always thought maybe he's Joseph, our little brother that we lost reincarnated into a dog. Cotton is very sweet despite his being naughty. We can really tell that he loved us. He would come running to us when we arrive home, wagging his tail, jumping around like he's trying to tell us that he's so happy we're home. I'm the closest to him in the family. I used to be his playmate before we had another dog (his son Trouble). We had spent a lot of time together way back then. We'd be going to the park and I'd let him run and play. It was often me taking him on walks. And when things get out of hand with him, it was always me they call. Cotton was so close to my heart and until now he still is and will always be.

It was raining that night but I didn't care if I got sick; I kept calling him to get out of the bushes and come into the shade so he won't get cold. I didn't want him to die there. But I kept hoping he'll make it in the morning until the clinic opens. Later as I was calling him, he struggled to come out. He was already having a difficulty walking. Cotton stumbled as he tried to stand. I carried him to the porch. I laid him there and covered him with his towel. The tears welled as I looked at him suffering and struggling through every breath. All the happiness we had together flashed back in my head.

I went inside the house for a while and when I went back I thought he was just adjusting his head forward. Soon I realized it was his last breath. He waited for me until his last. I couldn't stop crying. Cotton left us. I failed him. We failed him. I don't know who to blame but all I can think of is us, his owners. We were too careless. If we had brought him to his vet the same night he got hit he might still be with us now. But guilt won't bring him back. The fact is Cotton is gone. All we can do is look back on the good memories we had with him and try our best to make up for everything to his son, Trouble.

One thing's for sure, Cotton was happy with us and we were happy that he was our dog.

I miss you Cotton. You'll be in my heart forever. I'm sorry... I love you...